Charlow Eliana’s Birth
Charlow’s conception occurred after over a year of being open to consciously conceiving our next baby. I experienced 2 early births during this time which hurt my tender heart. The Summer Solstice was nearing where I live & I was having two parallel knowings. I was reckoning with the possibility that I would not carry and birth another living baby and my deep, deep desire to mother another child Earthside. I was energetically calling in the daughter that I felt was near.
I remember the week before the Summer Solstice standing in the cool night air, not far from a bonfire, gazing up to the cosmos asking Universe/Spirit/Mother Earth to bring my daughter to me soon, or I would accept that I would only mother my son Odyn Earthside.
A few short weeks later, my blood did not come in its regular rhythm & I hoped with my whole being that I was holding new life in my womb, my daughter. As it became apparent that I had conceived a new life, I held the knowing that this wombling may not live to term or through birth & at the same time I hoped and prayed that she was the daughter I would have the honor of mothering in this magical earthly realm.
Charlow’s pregnancy was my toughest of 6 in total. I vomited multiple times a day every day for months on end, it began just a few weeks into the pregnancy. I threw up in the car, in the stairwell at work, when I woke up to pee at night. My husband even bought me a knee board and left me little love notes on the underside of the toilet seat. People kept saying it would end in the 2nd trimester, it didn’t, then the 3rd, it didn’t. The vomiting did decrease into my 30+ weeks of pregnancy but the nausea never left me. Around 35 weeks the daily vomiting faded and I no longer started every day heaving into the toilet, only some days, and for that I was certainly grateful.
It was spring now, all the snow had melted but not quite warm enough to birth outside, one of my dreams. Our days were full of sweet walks, bonfires & time spent in our garden. In the last weeks of pregnancy I felt my womb gently practicing for birth, tightening daily, sometimes as frequently as every 5-7 minutes for hours on end, which left me wondering if I would “know” when her labor actually began.
From about 38 weeks on I would wake each morning wondering, caressing my womb and asking, is today your Birthday? But days continued to pass by. My 40 week mark came and went. I continued to get bigger, more uncomfortable and also, surprisingly more patient for her arrival than I had felt at 37 weeks. I stepped into a rhythm of ease in the unknowing, soaking in these final days.
My son Odyn was 3 at this time and had verbalized his strong desire to be present for the birth of this baby, and I was open to him being with us. We prepared through dialogue & watching other freebirths together. Knowing that a 3 year old might change his mind I invited my mother in law to be his support person so that he could choose to be present or not in the moment. Sigrid, my mother in law came and stayed with us that final week and it was so lovely having her close. I had intentionally created a beautiful space in our living room to labor & birth with an altar, favorite plants, crystals, Goddess art pieces and photos of my female ancestors.
Then, at 41 weeks and 1 day I awoke around 2 am with fairly intense sensations that forced me out of my comfy lying in bed position. Definitely no question, labor had begun! After having 3 like sensations in a row I decided to go out into the living room and see if they continued. In a more upright position they only became stronger and more intense. I tried lying back down & other positions that called to me, attempting to get a handle on the pain, find a way to cope, find my groove, but the pain only increased.
I put my hand to my womb & pleaded with baby girl and my body to slow down and be gentle, but alas by the end of the hour the sensations had me crying out in pain and wanting some support.
It was a little after 3am that I decided to wake up my husband Owyn in between sensations. I did my best to gently wake him. He awoke easily and was surprised when he heard how challenging each sensation was for me. He held me, stayed present and supported me in a way only he could.
In between sensations we talked a bit about how it felt like labor was going quickly. I was in denial, not believing that it could be so fast, but Owyn seemed to recognize that our daughter would be earthside soon. My husband knew that I deeply wanted video and photos of this birth as I didn't have that of my previous two. I am so glad he lovingly reminded me and asked if he should call my friends Rickcanna & Clementine. I said yes and both of them arrived around 4 AM first Clementine & then Rickcanna. They integrated into the birthing realm so beautifully.
By this time Owyn was checking off the to do’s I had on my labor list of jobs for him. He laid the paint cloth on our living room floor where I had envisioned giving birth. My birth altar’s gentle presence near me, the faces of my Mother and both my Grandmothers looking back at me through the photos I chose. We sat together there, in front of a mirror where with Owyn supporting my laboring body from behind me I could look forward into the mirror and into his eyes which was immensely helpful.
As the sensations continued to build I continued to ask my body and baby to be gentle & slow down, but none of the sensations felt gentle to me and I was saying “fuck” quite a bit for a while. I never really found a good groove or way to cope during this stage of labor as I had in my previous 2 births. Between sensations we smiled, laughed & had mini conversations. As time passed I felt a shift in the sensations as my body began to push, gently at first then stronger and stronger.
As I could feel that these pushing sensations would bring my baby earthside soon, I asked Clementine to get my mother in law Sigrid and have her wake Odyn who knew that he might be woken at night to have the opportunity to witness this birth.
A few minutes later, Sigrid and Odyn joined the us in the living room. Sitting close & quiet, I smiled to him, and sleepily he smiled back. My labor playlist singing along in the background, lights dim as the minutes passed nearing 6 AM.
The immensity of the pushing sensations continued to build, I found a rhythm with them and went deep inside. Physically present but my soul off dancing in the cosmos. The strength of the sensations were pushing my daughter towards her emergence, but I was not ready yet. I placed my hand firmly on her head that was at my perineum and quite literally pushed against her, stopping her from barreling out as fast as she would have without the counterpressure. Odyn could feel my discomfort, he came close and gently patted me.
I had placed a circular mirror down close to the floor out in front of me that gave me a glimpse of my own perineum as I held her head in. After allowing her head to move slightly out and in, closer and closer to emergence several times I felt that it was time to allow her passage and so I released my hand and pushed just a little along with the next sensation. Her head emerged.
I felt relief and also knew I wasn’t done. She wriggled and turned, I said out loud “I know I have got to let her come” then another strong pushing sensation came, along with the emergence of half of her body. She landed face up, arms in the air, shoulders to the living room floor, eyes wide open between my legs. Her cord was wrapped not around her entire neck but more like a scarf just around the back of her neck, slicked tightly down her sides. I tried to reach down and pull the cord over her head but I didn't manage to reach it in that moment. I asked Owyn to help me lift her up. He gingerly reached down, our hands together and we lifted her ever so slightly so I was able to slip the cord over her head. As the cord moved across her face, her bum fell out of me and onto the floor. She had fully emerged. My husband released his hands and I pulled her to my chest as he declared “we have a baby!” She cried immediately and so did we all.
Tears of joy and relief overcame us as we held our baby, alive and well. Big brother and Grandma Sigrid by our sides. Clementine and Rickanna witnessing and documenting these once in a lifetime sacred moments. I looked down between her legs and declared “You really are a girl!” She was born at 5:59 am just less than 4 hours after her labor began. As was true for all births I have been present for, time stood still for a moment. The energy was thick, the magic of the liminal space & the great mystery of birth, life & death danced with us all. Snatam Kaur singing in the background.
Sigrid came close, cupping my face in her hands declaring “well done!” I beamed a smile up to her. Some time later I felt the urge to push out her placenta. I asked for the pie dish I had chosen to catch it so that I wouldn't need to rise up very far if I didn't want to, and so I could cook pies in the sacred dish, honoring that first mother that grew alongside my daughter. Holding my girl in my arms I moved onto my knees, hovering just over the pie pan and with a small push the placenta easily slipped into the pie dish.
I took the time that felt good to me, soaking in the moment on our living room floor. When I was ready I stated that I wanted to move to the bedroom. Everyone immediately assisted baby, placenta and me to move together to the bed. I held my baby girl and Owyn carried her placenta and helped me get situated in bed while the others brought drinks & food.
I settled in, we marveled at the girl looking back at us with eyes wide open. We all enjoyed the oxytocin rich experience as we laughed and loved one another. A while later the ladies gathered the cord burning supplies as I had requested. My son Odyn observed, my husband videoed as together with Sigrid, Clementine and Rickanna we had a sweet ceremony where I sang “We all come from the Goddess, and to her we shall return, like a drop of rain, flowing to the ocean.” Each of us held a long stemmed beeswax candle to the umbilical cord. Chalow looked on, seemingly mesmerized by the flames, and several minutes later the cord was severed. It was a very simple and powerful ceremony with such strong and magical women by my side participating in the separation of baby girl from her placenta.
A little while later she latched for the first time, nursing easily and contented. Odyn crawled into bed with us and gently caressed his sister. Owyn brought me freshly squeezed orange and grapefruit juice and we all marinated in the experience of this little soul's birth.
After a week of getting to know our daughter and trying out different names, we settled on Charlow Eliana. Owyn loved the name Charlotte and I loved names like Wynslow, Harlow and Willow. And so we decided to put the two together and created Charlow (pronounced with a soft -ch- like in Charlotte). When she was born at sunrise after conception with the Summer Solstice we found ourselves looking for names that honored the sun. We both fell in love with the name Eliana which means “dawn, daughter of the sun” and even considered it for her first name during the first week of her life.
Charlow Eliana, you have brought deep healing and joy to my heart and to our family. Thank you for being our daughter and for arriving with such magic strength and vitality!
We are so grateful for you, our little girl and look forward to the years to come, witnessing your growth and your personality blossom. You are magic!
